Today was a bad day and then a good day and then a bad day again and now it is okay. I woke up much earlier than I wanted to and was very tired, but it is my fault for going to bed too late. I went to a doctor appointment to discuss my near inability to sleep and almost nonexistent appetite. I was recommended melatonin and a dietician appointment. We’ll see how the former works out tonight.
The appointment was at a really stupid time and I ended up missing Chinese class. On the first day of school. I was really upset, but then I remembered that I had some clothes that I needed to return, so I went to the mall for like four hours and had fun instead of being upset. That was the good part of the day.
When I got home, I started thinking about Chinese again and was really mad and frustrated and I hated life for a good few hours. I had peanut butter for dinner and listened to music so I guess I’m all right now. I also dropped my Race & Ethnicity class. I’m sure it was going to be interesting and whatnot, but the syllabus said something about a 10-page GROUP research paper as well as six film analyses, only three of which will be graded. I’m sorry but I’m not confident enough in my studies to undertake a course like that right now, especially when it’s just an elective. And anyway, out of curiosity I went to look at some of the posts on the “What it means to be an American” topic on the class’ discussion board, and the first post was a person going on about how his/her birth in America was chosen by the Almighty and then he/she started rambling about all the missionary work he/she had done and blah blah blah. At that moment I went to drop the class because I really wasn’t in the mood and missionary work pisses me off.
So that leaves Buddhist Thought, the Modern Middle East, and Life in the Universe. Buddhist Thought intrigues me not just because I find Buddhism fascinating and a little awesome, but also because we’ll apparently be completing meditative exercises throughout the semester and writing reflections on them. It’s supposed to enhance our learning and maintain our focus on the course, and I sure hope it does that for me because lawd knows I need the assistance.
I don’t really have any thoughts on the Modern Middle East yet, but my Life in the Universe class apparently has an alien student:
I go by CeCe a psych major senior yr. I was told that I was not from this planet and when my mother was having me she say her real baby was replaced by me. This class has got my attention even from reading what the lessons are going to be about. Im sooo ready to know more.
Troll? Dunno, but I lol’d. I am looking forward to this class because I like space a lot.
My mood today has not been the best. But I did get a new space heater and a curling iron and some other cool stuff.
Well then. It is around 3 am and officially the first day of Spring ‘10 semester. How do you say “‘10″? I want to say “oh-ten” but that sounds weird, and “ten” sounds empty. Anyway, I registered for five courses: three online and two on campus. My first on-campus class is Chinese at 3:30 pm. Buddhist Thought is at 4:30, but I don’t have it for the first week because my professor is away at a conference. I am sad because I have been wanting to take this class for two years, and it is a shame to miss out on the first week. Otherwise, though, I am really excited to get back to Chinese class because I love Chinese very much. I don’t think language classes are too effective, but my class is very fun and I am so happy to be a part of it regardless of how much I learn in it. It’s okay because I study Chinese plenty on my own outside of class and I have a million Chinese-speaking contacts on my MSN list to talk to whenever I need assistance with anything.
A lot of the time I wonder if it might be a good idea to take a break from school. I tell myself that I can’t do that because taking a break means I would have that much more time to go before getting my degree, and I want to hurry up and do that because I really don’t like school. I have almost 0% motivation when it comes to completing reading assignments and writing research papers. That is bad because I just looked at the syllabi for my courses and I have a lot of reading to do and many, many papers to write this semester. I foresee myself doing the absolute minimum amount of work to ensure that I pass my classes (just like last semester). That is such an awful thing to do, but that’s just how it happens because I dislike school a lot and have no desire to be there. Chinese class is the only class that I try in and I excel in it because I love Chinese so much. I would really like to go to Taiwan to study Chinese but that’s really hard to do due to financial and various personal circumstances. Anyway, studying Chinese in Taiwan is not going to get me a degree, so whether or not I do that, I still have to suffer through the rest of my undergraduate anthropology program.
Why do I need a degree, anyway? Because any job that I am remotely interested in doing at this time in my life appears to require a BA degree. It’s unfortunate that I allow myself to suffer so that I can eventually get a job that I’m not going to have forever anyway, and that I’ll probably get sick of way too soon. Such is life.
I don’t know what to do. I wish I had a mentor or something. Boo hoo.
Yesterday I discovered something truly wonderful and it has altered my outlook on life. Thus, I have decided that I will work harder to be a happy person and to do things that will make happiness possible. Only I’m going to make it so that it’s not “working to be” happy but simply “being.”
It took me a long time, but I’ve finally realized that I’ve only been given one life, so I’m going to make it work out in my favor. I am so stressed out and sad and anxious and serious about everything all of the time and because I am like that, I don’t ever do anything fun. That needs to stop right now.
I am 20 years old and I have very little to show for myself because in my teen years I was really so insecure, and while I did have some good times, I was really much too naive and stupid and young to make the most of it. In my first two years of college, I spent 90% of my time freaking out over school and the other 10% being happy and doing fun things. There is something very wrong with that. My education is very important to me because I want to get my BA degree, but there is no need to overexert myself and to let myself believe that nothing else matters but school and so I should not worry about anything else in my life because I will always have my education. That is ridiculous, because recently I learned that the most important thing a person has in his/her life is his/her relationships with other people. For a long time now, I have been pushing people away when I should be welcoming them into my life. When I graduate university and I receive a piece of paper that says I completed a degree program in anthropology, I will not suddenly transform into a happy person who is living a happy life. I will be a happy person when I can sincerely feel happy for my life and share that happiness with others.
So I am going to continue living my life as I am and doing the school thing, but I am also going to tell myself that it is really okay and actually good to form relationships and get close to people and try new things and visit new places. It is really okay to open my life up and let everything and everyone in. I have a problem where I don’t feel close to anyone. I think that is because I don’t put any effort into getting close to anyone. So I’m going to fix that and I will be a happy person with an active life and good relationships.
Because I recently renewed this domain, I’m going to use the blog to write about things that happen in my life. This is for me and I know that for now it’s not going to be of much interest to anyone because I spend many days of the week at home by myself doing things that don’t involve interaction with other people or provide for good stories, like listening to music or watching movies. That is because right now, it is a struggle for me to make plans with people and/or leave the house, but I promise myself that I will fix that. I will develop better self-esteem and realize that I am okay and there is no reason for anybody to dislike me or reject me.
… Well that was fun!
